Monday, April 14, 2008

Just say no.

Apparently 20% of top scientists are now taking performance-enhancing drugs, such as Ritalin, without a medical need for them. [WebMD]

Here's a memo to all those who are popping the pills to write the papers and grants. I'm not going to get all Olympicky on you and claim that your research results are tainted because of what you're doing. Science is science, as far as it goes, and that's the problem.

What you're doing is far more subtle and vicious. You're using a chemical means to push yourself ahead a few places in the pecking order, to a place where you wouldn't be if you weren't taking the drugs. And since we're all competing for the same jobs, the same grants, and the same tenure, your actions have serious professional consequences for me. The raised expectations created by your drug-taking may eventually force me to take the drugs myself; and while you may be okay with the side-effects, I'm not keen on them being forced on me. Taken to the extreme, we could have an academy where everyone has to take Ritalin just to get ahead, but because everyone is taking the drugs, the pecking order is exactly the same as it was before. In case your drug-addled mind can't make the connection, here it is: it's a classic case of the Prisoner's Dilemma. And you're the first one who chose to rat out your comrade.

One might suggest that I am guilty of the same thing, in the form of coffee. But in fact this is evidence supporting my thesis. I freely admit that I am a caffeine addict, in the technical sense: I experience withdrawal symptoms when it is unavailable. So is essentially every high-achieving professional person that I know. We are addicts not because we want to be, but because we have to be: the caffeine helps us sustain an unnatural level of alertness, which is necessary to compete on the same playing field as all the other caffeine addicts. From the example of coffee, it's easy to see how another drug might have a similar game-changing effect, to the extent that high achievers would effectively need to take them just to compete. And unlike coffee, whose side effects are mild and which is known to have some health benefits, the side effects of prescription stimulants tend to be nastier (including, in many cases, a chance of psychosis).

To those who are taking these drugs, I say this: You selfish bastards. What you're doing is not only rightly illegal, it is immoral: you force your choice on others by distorting the playing field. You are creating an academy where nothing matters except getting ahead, whatever the cost. In the short run, that's no example to be setting for students, and in the long run, it can only be corrosive to the reputation of the academy, as well as of scientific research in general.

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